Watermelon Hobo Makes Asian Guy Fart
old journal entry 06-04-2015
I took a short drive to little caesars the other night. not unusual as my kids like the cheesy bread thing, and I like the in n out of it. isaac said, "it's raining." for no apparent reason other than to be town crier, knowing that I am rarely dissuaded by inclement weather (and in truth, I love being in a storm. the cold and wet thing gets to sucking but the journey there is often a religious experience).
I went to the car, no rain but a spare smattering which may have just as likely have fallen from a tree; rain part two. Gusts of wind rocked my ride back and forth, and spikes of brilliant bars of lightning where not far to the north-east.
I parked, and noticed the beginning of the deluge as I found the cover of overhang, making my way into little caesars. entering, and being greeted by the nervous smile of a very kind and very 'not-so-comfortable-in-her-skin' girl behind the counter, I am informed of the usually unlikely but now very real instance of having to wait for my food.
"no problem." says I to nervous girl (you can almost see the static discharge of her taut confusion). "I'll just run to publix and be right back." I said.
I have learned through many past visits that real communication, humor et al, with this young woman is almost impossible, but I say stuff anyway. she is sweet, if slightly addled.
my brilliant plan is to walk to publix, grab something to sate my children's need for post-protein sugar infusion, and walk back to find my doughy purchase ready. what I failed to anticipate was the watermelon bin.
buying a watermelon is unique among grocery purchases. if one wishes to purchase a watermelon, one must actually PLAN to purchase and transport the melon, nature's sweetest lesson in gravitational mechanics, and clearly the titan of all the vegetable kingdom. had I PLANNED on this procurement, I might have parked closer and gotten the grocery items out of the way first.
this altered the whole plan.
had to get a cart. had to wheel cart all the way back to pizza pizza and my car. "now I'll have a publix cart at little caesars." I'm thinkin. next comes the inevitable moral dilemma. do I leave the cart here for some poor schmuck to come and get, eventually, probably in the rain, and after days of being in front of little caesars and the hundreds of disdainful sneers of those passersby, muttering under their breath at the monumental lack of consideration by the asshole who left the publix cart there?; or be the nice guy and wheel stupid selfish cart all the way back to publix in the rain.
as I'm pondering these grand tenets of consciousness, I wheel past the chinese restaurant while tracing the sheltering overhang, avoiding people seeking same. I only barely noticed the hurried behavior, people pacing themselves quickly and warding off the rain.
I barely noticed because I was transfixed by the gaze of an older gentleman of Asian descent who was sitting at a table at the entranceway to the purveyor of ancient recipes, red fans, and free packets of mysterious sauce.
he was staring at me, wide eyed. like a cat that doesn't know you stares at you. I didn't know what to make of it. frankly, and not to generalize but I've never felt threatened in the presence of any Asian person. probably because they're usually very kind, way smarter than me, and prettier; like beautiful, brilliant golden gods and goddesses. I just want them to like me, and let me carry stuff for them.
I looked away, not wanting to walk down the dark, stupid path of male dominance aggression, but then back, hoping he was just staring at the freak rather than presenting some passive (or otherwise) threat.
he was still staring... eyes deadly focused on mine. I held his gaze, more out of fascination than anything else, and closer we came, as I slowly pushed my watermelon to pizza and car.
at that destined moment...precisely as our faces aligned and we could speak face to face were it not for the glass partition, the instant that begins wars and breaks families... I smiled and waved at him.
He visibly started, almost knocking his drink over. I chuckled...
...
the story as Asian Guy tells it...
"I was sitting in the window, trying to stay as far away from that grease smell as possible and maybe catch a nice breeze and I think, "damn rain." keeps the customers away, you know. all these prom kids or dance kids or whoever walking by...not one of 'em thinks to come in and get an egg roll or some nice dim sum. nope. stupid kids rather eat a flat patty of whatever that crap is made outta these days...wood or pine resin or something...then I see this guy walking pushing a shopping cart with a watermelon in it. nothing else, just a watermelon. Publix is like 1/8 of a mile away. I'm thinking, "this guy is walking a watermelon all the way back to his house." then I see he's wearing a 'monsters university' baseball hat. like the cartoon. I know 'cause my kids just begged me to buy it at walmart. and he hasn't shaved in like 5 days, and he has hair like a woman tied back or braided or something. guys homeless and the shopping cart IS his home. must be. and he looks stoned...or stupid, or both probably. and he's staring at me."
"oh shit. dude has a gun, probably hidden behind that watermelon!" I think. so I just keep staring at him so he knows he better not mess with me. he can see I'm Asian. probably thinks I know karate or kung fu or something. stupid ass. I could buy your tired tattooed old ass 1000 times. haha. watermelon loser. he looked away for a second, all cool like, but I'm no fool. I lived in new york city for 35 years busting my ass while indigent wandering motherfuckers like him come in asking for old fortune cookies and shit. I tell them, "ha! they're wrapped in plastic! they last like 1000 years, stupid roundeye hobo! go bother dunkin donuts!"
"anyway, he notices that I'm not backing down. and I don't see even a trace of fear in him. he's like stone. like he enjoys this stare down and what's gonna happen. "oh shit oh shit he's gonna stab me!" I think, "and smile over my bloody body." and just when he's at the doorway and looking down at me like a lizard looks at a beetle, he smiles at me an gives me this little wave hello, and just walks on his way. holy mackerel I jumped and the compression of my stomach muscles, and maybe the dim sum a little too, heh, made me fart. haha. lee is still laughing a week later. crazy watermelon hobo."
~end
***
|
|
