Total Suck Apogee
or
Little known secrets of having a successful opening act for other, more successful opening acts
by joshua kaplan, 2018
years ago, before gray hair and erectile dysfunction, I played bass in a rock band. was pretty easy, me playing as poorly as i did (nothing easier than sucking at something), but i had the hair, the desire, and could jump around like Townsend and Eddie van Halen so i was in. the only thing lower than my own expectations were those of my bandmates and at times i even exceeded those lofty tolerances. One untoward evening i remember too clearly i played an entire set 1/2 step off on every string, because i didn't know how to operate the tuner, and was too prideful to ask for help. what that means is that if i was supposed to play an A, i was actually playing an A#. Looking back, it occurs to me that i played every note of an entire set incorrectly. 100%. To make matters worse due to lack of experience and poor monitoring equipment i couldn't tell i was off. Some players are not happy if they flub less than 1%...
I achieved total suck apogee.
I got a little better. we practiced, I practiced, and we got gigs. sometimes we played for hundreds, sometimes we played for the bartender, asst manager and some guy named ed. we took just about any gig we could get just to get out there and make some noise. One time i got paid a cup of coffee and a pack of reds, and they probably overpaid me. we played out, and learned. We were Medicine Men. tryin to get signed, or laid, or just make some folks get nuts on three chords and Frank's growling. I still believe that performing rock music is one of the singularly most gratifying and soul filling things that any human can do. Even the term, "it, you, they, she, whatever Rocks" is the universal euphemism for general excellence and wonderfulness.
I played with the fellas for about three years and learned a lot about the necessary dynamic for doing something of this nature with a small group of contributors. We had line up changes, occasionally adopting a second guitar to relieve Frank of rhythm duties, and had several drummers. The constant was Frank (lead vocals, rhythm guitar, his songs, his PA, his van, his band), Richie Rich (lead guitar, musical contributor, clearly the best musician), and me (that guy keeps playing the same note over and over). Mad Mike was our longest and best drummer, but his temper, penchant for stuff that makes you go fast and love of drama often led to him storming out of practice and disappearing the night before a gig. Therein the need for replacement, if only temporary.
Having survived my own mediocrity and the chaos of co-existing with other musicians i feel that i should share some of the secrets of becoming a successful opening act for successful opening acts that opened for Billy Idol one time.
First. Front...(singer, screamer, hootchie cootchie yodeler, doesn't matter)
...if Man: This dude is the face of the band, and the most important element to getting gigs opening for guys that opened for Billy Idol. once. He must, beyond all other things, love his penis. he's gotta believe that hangin noodle is a fucking Phidias to be placed on display in the Parthenon. everything else is variable. Dancing and vocal ability are nice, but not necessary in rock. Ability to remember lyrics regardless of blood alcohol level is also desired.
...if Woman: Any woman that can sing is a bringer of all good natural and supernatural things; cartoon bluebirds, geriatric erections, spontaneously generated rainbows, lycanthropic catalyzation, etc. If she's pissed too, then that's like a Bifrost bridge to Asgardian gigs in the sky. don't believe me? Sinead O'Connor.
Second. Lead Guitar. almost the polar opposite of the frontman, this guy (assuming it's a guy) needs to hate his penis. so much so, that the guitar becomes his spirit penis, replacing his genetic disposition, and whose size and affect grows with his ability to master the instrument. The better they are, the more they must really dislike their junk. They also need cool shoes or sneaks for using stomp boxes on stage, even if they don't work, or the battery is dead, or the little patch cable is fucked up. remember when you gig to bring band aids and ointment because if a thoroughbred lead guitarist gets cuts, or other ouchy booboo, they often cry.
Third. Drummer. in between Mad Mikes tantrums and Frank's intolerance of guys that couldn't count to four, we would practice with a drum machine, and often joked about making a cardboard cutout of a guy playing drums and use that on-stage. But the harsh truth is that a good drummer can make a band watchable all by himself. and a bad one can make people snicker at you behind their hands. friends even. drummer's are like knuckleballers in baseball. they don't quite fit in, so when you find a good one, you tolerate pretty much any behavior short of unsafe weapon practices. The thing you need in a drummer is a guy with a full kit, and a sparkly body leotard with a lightning bolt across the chest. they also need to be able to count to four, or Frank will find them and beat them up.
Fourth. Rhythm Guitar: Unlike the rare and temperamental shredder, the rhythm guitarist needs to be a pro-penis guy, but have enough sense to not challenge the first-seat guitars fragile ego by flaunting it. it's a delicate balance and very rare to see it worked effectively. also, the second guitar should be a pretty boy with long hair and cool shaped guitar, like a Vee or Explorer. The combination of the rhythm guitarist's narcissistic tendencies and graphic representation of self-love on-stage often have an aphrodisiac effect on some female audience members, which is important because they have friends, also female.
Fifth. Bass player. This guy/gal is the glue and the buffer that keeps everybody from beating on each other and flying off in different directions. they need to be at every practice, on-time, and sober enough to see what's going on around them. The bassist helps carry all the amps, tape the cables and makes sure that roadies are treated well and included in shit. they should also know how to use a tuner.
If you follow this simple recipe I promise you that you will eventually open for someone who opened for Billy Idol. or George Thorogood.
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